the last entry...

As I luk into the sky.. I see the stars sparkling above.. and I think about the times when I sat there counting them... callin myself lucky to even have a moment with them… unlike so many others who hav passed this bequest from above without cherishing it..
A star is what I had been… but as others I had fallen too… not a story of my journey but my end, cause I was after all a woman who had in peoples eyes seen it all.. there are times when others come to me and ask me how is it that I can still bear the pain.. how come I still love life? Live it..?? Is it because I m inhumane or without a heart...
Bt I know I m not the one without the heart... its my life and if there is one thing I have learnt from it, then it is to rise every morning hoping it’s a beautiful day than before.. and do you know where I get this hope from.. It’s from the stars that I see above every night...
I m Sara.. must have heard of my story.. Yes me m the same old one who lost her husband and son.. but I still live.. and I cannot be happier right now.. my family has taught me the biggest reason to live.. and that is to cherish life.. and so here is what I do.. I live every moment..
It was a winter day… a ghastly beautiful winter morning.. all white n chilly… as I sat there thinking what I could do on this Christmas evening.. remembering the old times with Michael.. I knew I had to get out.. away from home and into the world..
I started my day with pancakes and honey… and as I was reading the paper my eyes fell on the column of a perfect vacation in California next to the sea.. and I knew I had to go.. yes the next thing I knew was my hand dialing the resort… booking a cabin and getting my ticket…
Running home throwing whatever came into mind in my bag I was at the airport in an hour’s time... and this is how it all began...
11 hours of grueling journey and becoming all impatient and nervous I was here… gosh it was hot.. but the smell of the sea …it was intoxicating.. I could taste the salt in the air.. could feel the wind blowing in my hair.. the calmness around me.. A perfect calmness where only I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.. Checking in the cabin I wore my cutest one piece.. blue colour.. Michael’s favorite…n there I was plunging in the water.. feeling the currents taking me in.. until I heard his voice..
“Sugar its gonna be fine.. U would love the sea.. jus one step at a time.. common baby its gonna be fine.. daddy here for you..”
God he had beautiful shoulders.. every muscle as if sculptured into him.. as I tried to catch his face he moved and I burst out laughing.. it was not his daughter he was coaxing into the water but his puppy.. swallowing water as a wave crashed on my face as I came up I realized I was face to face with him.. eyes the colour of the darkest sea, filled with concern..he was the most glorious man I had ever seen.. up close I was suddenly nervous..
He looked at me and said.. “ are u fine??”
Spluttering a yes and suddenly shy I looked at his puppy who was glaring at me… a possessive one I guess..
And before I knew it I started laughing at the absurdity of it all… and boy I couldn stop.. god that man wud hav thought me crazy…
As I looked at his face I suddenly stopped.. passion and something I had never seen before was alight in his eyes.. I felt queasy and then before I knew it he kissed me…
a kiss which lit up my soul like fire.. and next thing we did was go to my cabin with his puppy tugged in my arms and me in his.. felt like home again..

Been a month.. and Joshua still lights me up like a Christmas tree every times he looks at me.. .. he is a lawyer.. and his puppy finally am friends with candy.. don’t ask me he named her.. and as I see him lyin next to me.. it’s a beautiful night.. we already made love twice and the night had jus begun.. and then suddenly remembering something I have been meanin to ask.. I turn and ask him.. “what made u kiss me the frst time..?” he looked at me completely at ease, a smile spreading on his face as he remembered our first meet..
“ I had heard ur laughter before I had seen you.. it was as innocent as a child.. and then u had suddenly risen out like venus comin out of the sea.. the waves makin a passage for you and I knew that you were mine.. and are u done writing ur diary?..”…
“ jus a minute..”
Yes this is the final entry that I m writing.. I hav found love in him.. and yes I dare to dream… and as I look up into the sky I knw I will love him to eternity...jus like the stars.. good to be finally home..

a memory to cherish...

As a kid I remember writing out in slam books my most precious thing in the world.. till a few days I used to say how I am still young and hav not got it yet.. then came a time when I turned 5 got princy... people say when they have a baby..their world revolves around him.. for me, my world revolved around him or his around me never knew which one it was.. I used to get up every morning seein his face… him dropping me off near the bus stop… comin back home to his barks n sloshy tongue.. havin to wash/ take a bath (moms command.. she always had this thing abt hygiene ..) feedin my baby his food.. or if he done with it feedin extra frm my plate.. then letting him lose in the house.. ( if mom wudn be there jumpin on beds, eatin fruits (his fav) and watchin tv together..).. goin out to play with friends, comin back n throwin tantrums on takin princy out for a walk as he wud normally refuse to go out with anyone else except me.. ( sesly I remember how I used to curse him throughout.. poor guy had to do everythin in a hurry.. there was this one time when I was real angry.. as we both knew his fav stops.. well it was like he standin at his tree doin it asap and runnin to his next fav tree.. that night he didn even wait to smell the frsh air around.. I had felt so guilty afterwords..._) gosh after that we wud end up home n he wud stay up the night till the time I wud finish studying/reading novel etc etc.. there was a time when my whole family had slept off n as I had not finished my exam prep.. I had been soo scared.. guess he had known that cause he came and sat down next to me.. and stayed up whole night with me helping me prepare!!... like he didn even shut his eyes once.. I miss him everytime I study now.. try listenin to music bt somehow its nt the same.. how can it be.. anyways my night ended up with me screamin sd princy.. mom never allowed same room. He had his own room right next to mine.. gosh I miss him loads… he died at 11 years four months.. been three yrs.. for last two years been ignorin him.. I m a coward.. well this 20th Oct 09, sushant forced me to visit him.. it was unlike other times.. I didn cry or feel sad.. somehow was a little glad and happy seein his fav trees in pune.. mind u I can still point them all out.. every shrub, street light.. stone.. I dunno what I m writin this for.. all I wanna say thnks for takin me der to meet my baby.. weird how my only other precious thing made me go n meet my frst n fav of them all…..
p.s.1
a chance to see ur face again..
a chance to ask for forgiveness..
a chance to tell you how much i love you..
a chance to say will never forget u ever...
p.s. 2..
hope u liked him,... i knw u never liked strangers and were possesive but somehow i knw u wud hav not bitten him for sure..;) muah!!

MMI

well hell yeah this mail been lyin on my id since long.. its been basically explaining to me how shud i get him back.. err i got one question. if i ditched him... dnt feel like talkin to him then why the fuck whud i want him back..??? n before i abuse further thinkin abt my ex lets tok of somethin better!!
this reminds me of something even more funny.. right now m in a new rel.. a few days back i had this sort of brk up n patch up.. anyways there he told me abt mmi!! yeah befor u confuse urself with mmi.. well i better explain.. its minor, major or any impulsive reason... now u wud be wonderin what it concerns.. basically if i wanna break up i can whether its a minor, major or impusive reason.. complete release without any questions.. now some wud say thats so sweet! like where wud i get a guy like that.. hell i agree...!!:)
anyways now what i m really confused abt is everytime i wanna think abt wantin to break up i remember that day when he gave me that mmi.. it was so touchin n mind u he got those puppy eyes too so its like boy ever gone thru a feeling where u feel like a complete bitch fr takin away a puppy's food when he hasn eaten fr days?? yeah thats what he makes me feel like whenevr i try distancin myself! not that me sayin i want a break up bt hell it wont be easy when it happens...
hell right now m hopin its he who finds a new chick pretty asap!! after all i got no chance.. i mean hello my coll guys are complete gays!! where will i find another guy..?? n seriously speakin kaka gettin a divorce n landin infrnt of me.. well sounds real bleak.. if its even a possibility.. n yes i will say it today with a heart heavier than stone n more... if m left with a hrt at all.. well dude m happy he is happpy with his wife.. after all i dnt go for committed guys.. ( mind u this doesn mean i will stop droolin over his pics!!)..
anyways comin to an end.. all i will say i was given another option.. i got to blow this buildin up if i wanna get out.. well i m in no hurry bt if anyone out der got any grt ideas that will nt take me behind bars do share, u knw can come in handy in future.. !!:)

friendship... sugar n spice of life...!!

i dnt even knw how to start abt this.. bein an army brat i hav actually more friends then i can bother to count! like in almost every part of country i knw someone.. bt u knw what the worst is.. hell havin so many ppl in ur life, u never tendin to get close with anyone.. every new city u make a new best friend, a new close friend, a new group... and then u leave these ppl behind.. u go away to another place.. u try stayin touch with few of ur friends bt over the years u forget them n move on with ur life.. this cycle has been on in my life for like abt 15 yrs..( i dnt remem my baby pals!)....
anyways down the years.. especially last three/four i hav been tryin to make lesser fewer friends(in vain..) bt anyways i been tryin to stay in tch with a certain few friends.. i have them again scaterred round the country.. but what makes it spl is that they care for u as much as u care for them and u knw they gonna be with u forver and evr.. hell i m sure i will be most of their brides maid at their weddings and then not to forget their baby showers..( if u thinkin my thoughts r going weird.. dnt blame me!! me been in a girls hostel fr a yr now.. n believe me i knw!!)..
bt me not here to discuss all this bt here to discuss a spl friend.. last year.. i made few real good friends.. one includes my best friend of today too ( i m hopin he will stay longer than the old ones).. weird it is bt this guy into marine and will be going sailing soon.. yeah most of u guys will think i again got a lost case.. but u knw funnily i knw he will stay in touch.. its weird bt i trust this one a lot.. wow in jus a year i hav become real close to this one.. he knws me almost inside out..( well he claims to!) ...
anyways all me got to say i knw not what lies in the future.. bt i knw i will be truthful true in my life evry year a best friend has changed.. i somehow want now my life to come to a halt! i like it as it is.. i dnt say no to new friends bt i dnt wanna lose my old friends either.. not one mind it! and fr that m willing to go all the way.. whatevr it takes!!
hell at present i m wishin for time to go slow! ( yeah normally i always m hopin it wud go faster.. i wanna grow up n all!) bt i dunno somehow next year this time seems darn bleak!!...
oh boy still i knw life is life. u got to live evryday as it comes.. and me gonna do that... after all thats what is called living life.. some good days.. some bad.. bt u live them all!!
i will end by jus sayin i miss u all .. yes u all tht i hav knwn in my life n lost.. though right now i miss my closest friends of all.. whom hav drifted away n some who will (plz dnt!)... n yeah anytime u guys need me knw one heart will always be here for u ppl!!..
p.s.( right now m chattin with another friend of mine who has actually dedicated the song like a prayer to me.. i jus want him to knw.. for all the good and bad...( bad aka embarassin for me!) well fr all those times.. i wish i cud hav u back as a normal friend.. yeah in ur words.. hav those good ol days back!..)

My Heart

My heart…
I sit in the dark, thinking about you,
Knowing what I truly feel about you.
And as I look in the sky, I know,
That you are my sun and my moon…

I remember our first meet,
As if it was only but yesterday.
u were there, seeking me,
A smile lighting your face on finding me..
And that was the day our fates were sealed,
For we vowed to be forever be..

Long glorious days passed,
Our friendship sparkled like the stars..
Not a day passed when we weren’t together,
Not a thought without you ever..
And thy lord knows,
That in every prayer that we sang to Him
Our hearts but thanked,
For making our destinies cross each other..

But, then came a time
When we both knew
That lying wouldn’t do...
We couldn’t go on further
For our hearts had been lost to each other…
As we had irrevocably fallen for each other..

Soon, came a night when u asked me to be yours
And there I was blinking tears and thanking thy lord
For giving me more than I knew I deserved
For making I and you, an us, forever..

Alas your first touch on my skin,
Your kiss so sweet and full of passion
Yours voice screaming in my ears,
Or wait was it mine?

True all days were not happy and bliss,
But then every day is not bright and heaven..
We fought the storms in our lives,
And found our love,
Shining brighter than the stars above..

And as I now write this for tale of ours for you,
I wish all my days to be only with you.
And when u read this,
I hope with a smile and twinkle in your eyes,
You will take me in your arms and kiss me wild
And say those words I long to hear..
For, my heart, know truly,
I love you
And nothing would change my love to you…
Forever and ever, I promise you..

shameless me!

well truly speakin right now m feelin extremely awkward sittin here n not only awkward cause of this topic bt also guilty of bein ol!... actually a very weird thing happened.. i went on my friends id on orkut n there i ended up adding this community to my profile.. something to do with my prof.. anyways bein der.. readin.. i jus felt like this completely stupid fool.. like hell i dnt knw.. i m hating my second year portion.. its completely boring!! and oh man.. i read those case histories bein displayed there.. n i went this complete blank.. n look at me shameless person still online and not studyin! ohk granted no one studyin.. bt this guilty feelin eatin me up.. n u knw whats the worst.. i dnt even understand most of the answers of the questions being asked der! darn its like reading chinese..( i learnt latin last year readin anatomy;)..) ...
and u knw whats the worst.. i miss my medicine postings.. i didn even get to read davidsons properly.. what i will read harrison in my third yr?!!:(...
darn i miss college!!! esp studyin.. and wantin to study.. that enthusiasm completely gone..! i miss my frst yr!!:(...
hell will continue this some other time! anyone out der got any idea abt how to make my studies interestin.. do share..

how do u knw its love??

well yesterday night i was like completely out of the blue askd how do u know its love.. like what bells will chime, violins will play what?? how do u knw.. a little baffled i tried to look up in my pandora box of knowledge ( aka mills and boon.. ohk stop laughin!!) so here goes my findings..
blaze'
there the gal gets to know.. like well she knws it in the middle of her making out or main course bt she knws...
desire
ohk who can not fall for those scrumptious greeks and latino's.. ??? like one look and the gal on her feet!!
modern..
those flowers and chocolates.. those women empowerment at times and the guy befittin the role of hell only one quote can explain.... "i can never fall for a guy whose threatened by my independence, i dnt want a house husband bt nor do i want a caveman " ...hell u hav to be in love with the guy whose perfectly suitable!!
romantic..
well who can resist romantic candle lit dates followd by main course...;)
historical
admist the ball gowns and dances, findin ur knight in shining armour not easy bt very possible!!
supernatural
hell when a girl can bang, a guy has to go on his feet... in both senses..;)
anyways readin all this how m i supposed to figure our true love in my very sober non existent real life... like i knw i love kaka bt i also dnt go for committed guys.. and mind u everyday listenin to josh groban life aint an easy lay in the bed at night!! i guess for me my signs wud be when i knw that i can read a mills and booon and picture him as the main guy, have his pic in my locket,.. see kaka ,crush on him bt still knwin that my lifes worth only with my guy, .. and oh yes.. singing romeo take me somehwere we can be alone..;) hmmm so right now here i m .. hopin one of these days i realise the signs in the air or some better ones.. i really dnt mind violins and roses and chocolates... or else.. all i can say god help me!!

sweet dreams

Sweet dreams…

It had been a long day but as I settled in bed I knew it was going to be another night of dreams… some people called them sweet dreams but for me they were nothing more than the grim reality of knowing that somewhere knowingly I had gone wrong..

We had been childhood friends.. Michael and me.. met by what one would call sheer luck.. all I knew was that it was not luck but a blessing…
It was 27th may to be exact, my first year in college, his third.. surprisingly I was always good with dates. Anyways it had been that day that our friendship saga had begun..
Days passed.. beautiful glorious days.. Walks under the rain, movies in theatres, hurried dinners as we both had to be back to college.. late phone calls.. Those who didn’t know us took us as lovers but at that time it was just friendship for us.. a friendship, which we both treasured..
Now I always had this distant desire like all young girls to meet my prince charming.. and somehow though the world told me it was but only in fairy tales.. my heart knew he would come one day..
A year passed and before I knew Michael developed feelings for me.. after voicing his feelings for me he proposed me.. I accepted..
I knew in my heart that I did not love him and my feelings for him unreadable by my own self.. And hence, began the journey of two spirits, set together by fate.
Days passed, passion built and rainbows were everywhere.. but as every good time has to end.. he had to leave too…
Months swept like years, bitterness prevailed and soon I found out that he had found another in a distant land.

And there’s the bell again.. waking up from my fitful sleep I looked at the watch.. 06.00 hours.. looking out of the window I saw the rain.. it was dark and dreary, perfectly mirroring my mood..
The door bell rang again.. I walked to the door opened and gasped.. it was Juan my new neighbour. I stood there bewitched looking at him, seeing him closely for the first time.. tryin to grasp what he was saying I made out words like sorry, some dog called prince and my garden.. go figure!.. I looked out and suddenly I saw the rainbow high above.. the seven colours bringin warmth to the world and my heart..
Two years have passed now..looking back now I know that my life has been nothing but a bunch of sweet dreams, blessings from above.. I have a love so beautiful, a friend so cherished yes m friends with Michael again.. but the best of all.. getting to know that love at first sight exists.. yes I Sara am marrying juan this spring.. and expecting a child seven months thereafter.. we are both hoping it’s a baby girl..

betrayal

Betrayal
This is a story about me…. An 18 year old woman….. Yes a woman for am not a girl anymore… not since that day at least……

Peter my crush, my love, my life.. like any young girl in school I was mad about him… he was after all “the soccer team captain”, hot, dashing, sexy, cool… ummm what more could anyone ask for.. he was everything a girl dreamt of… Sadly for me the only class we ever shared was the games section and believe me I m a total dud when it comes to physical exercise…. Hmmm it was a Monday morning, freaking hot! We were playing volley ball, too busy drooling over peter playing in the football ground I did not realize when the ball came and hit me on my face.. oh man stars in the morning.. ouch!!.. with a bleeding nose and a swirling head I started to move towards the medicine room and oh my does my luck end there.. uh huh… as stupid as I could get I took a shortcut to the medicine room via the football ground and then there was this bang… me run over by a 1000 rhino’s ( I swear it felt like that!).. wondering whether it was time for me to start digging my grave I opened my eyes and I knew I was in heaven aka peter on me ( a little heavy but who cares???) he looked down at me and went like..” hazel u k?” and then even before I knew it he took me in his arms and took me to the side ( man the day couldn’t have gone better).. as I sat on the side staring( I guess grinning like a fool too) he looked me up and down and shouted..” she needs a doc big time!” Thankfully getting back to my senses I realized I was bleeding on my head and my nose wasn’t looking any better… my lucky stars must have been shining bright for then peter accompanied me to the doc! After a lot of checkup, bandages and white stinky medicine rooms I walked out a little low for peter had left…. Oh wasn’t I wrong for there he was waiting for me outside.. he looked at me smiled and said...” how r u feeling now” I blushed and muttered...” much better though I truly understood the meaning of earth’s rotation today!” he laughed in his musical voice and then sobered..” I m sorry Hazel. I should have seen and prevented the big bang” I smiled..” you mean not let me have my physical astro physics class??” we both laughed and even before I knew it he asked me out for a date….
One long beautiful year since then…. You see peter had asked me out.. we had made love under the skies.. gone skinny dipping ( my fantasy!).. life had been great… until now… you see the peter the super dude from my school had contracted AIDS on one of his night out with a hooker…
Fully aware of his condition he had sex with me without using any precautions….
Today he is no more……
I m pregnant and yes HIV+… I many not live long.. but long enough to give birth to our child…yes I will be a mother soon… an 18 year old mother with the social stigma of having AIDS.. All I can hope is that my child is HIV- .. for I want him to live the life that I can never live.. to breathe the moments which I can never have.. to laugh in the joy which I can never feel… I donot have regrets for I had loved peter but yes am pained for his lies.. am pained by his betrayal….
I cannot cry,
For my tears betray me.
I cannot sleep,
For my dreams betray me.
I cannot laugh,
For my smile betrays me.
I cannot live,
For love has betrayed me…
People say when u fall in love and it betrays you, your heart breaks but what if u have loved with your soul and your soul breaks...
Hearts can be mended…. But souls………..
Believe me I know…….

true bitches!!! part-1

aah ohk i knw ppl write blogs where they tok of their awesome life experiences, beautiful moments with friends or yes environment n global warming.. bt me i wanna write abt this real weird bitchy incident happening in my life.. more like sharin my life in a girls hostel..!! sorry bt thats the one thing on my mind right now.. when the normal topics come i promise to tok of rains and co2 and etc etc!!
anyways i m in this second year college and must say the past one year has been a serious eye opener.. like hey i ended up realisin the true meaning of my species n that women r frm venus.. mind u mars isin that great either with the number of gays and pervert... n m here to tok of bitches, we will deal abt mars later! anyways lets tok of my sweet so called gal friends in coll... why dnt i frst tell u abt my frst day.. ohk fine i scared a few ppl with my over enthusiasm.. where most of them were cryin or depressed abt leavin home i was overjoyed.. and hey i was this chick who swore.. n these ppl came from conservative families. bloody bull conservative my ass! anyways there was this grade 3 bitch who was my room mate.. my other roomie was super sweet.. like those softspoken bt this grade 3.. oh boy she abused, kicked and had serious hygiene prob.. nt to frget her thing for men,.. anyways miss grade 3 back bitched abt miss attitude.. (thats me if u didn figure by now) etc etc.. well i guess my frst week didn go well as everyone believed her.. as i was so "not conservative".. someone explain me that!! like jus cause of my clothes, n my friends n my callin every guy at frst luk gay..( which was proved true later on) i was non conservative.. oh not to mention i was a mixture of delhi n mumbai( havin stayed my life in these two cities) anyways it was bad!! it was like no one wanted to tok to me, complete boycott! hmm alas days passed n one day i get this another chick who catches me in the canteen n strts with her boy trbl.. how she fell in love at frst sight.. believe me she was thinkin of even sendin weddin cards.. me bein me consoled her.. told her to take it slow..(like hey the guy didn even knw she existed) and well took her in my room.. on my bed.. i guess i was on the floor most of that week..! well before i knew it grade 3 and she suddenly became friends n i was kicked out.. mind u i was still on the floor..!! anyways by then ppl realised that i wasn completely stone hearted n surprisingly i had a few friends standing up fr me!! those were the days man.. i gav grade 3 an ultimatum.. leave or i leave(which wasn a possibility) and hey it worked...( ohk took a lot of effort with rector involvement, bt well gimme some credit).. well anyways we still friends.. with grade 3 atleast(believe it or not),.. that back stabber hopefully drowned in the bay of bengal fr all i care! anyways now i got these real cool friends.. n this real nice chick who is another grade 5 bitch.. u may ask 5.. well cause she on the face different and inside completely different..n i realise that a yr later.. ohk i m not that dumb, little bt not that much... anyways tell u abt her later...